


you better be leading me home

by irrevocably



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2018-01-15 04:56:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1292209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrevocably/pseuds/irrevocably
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Levi, difficult choices didn’t end with the war. Alternatively, the art of letting go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you better be leading me home

**Author's Note:**

> this was mostly plotted/lined out before the latest couple of chapters, so a lot of those events aren't factored in. canon plot gets blurry around the loss of erwin's arm.

They met again and Erwin didn’t remember. 

Levi almost didn’t either. Maybe it had something to do with repression or the inevitable erosion of time; maybe the universe briefly considered being fair – but it was his eyes, filled with a misplaced intensity that reminded him of the crunch of bones, skies with limits. Really shitty military benefits.

Then it was the arm, or lack of – the empty sleeve was pinned back, like here, Erwin was used to it.

There had never been time behind the walls, when Erwin was never bald or balding, when 34 seemed like a miracle, and 44 an impossibility. Now, he looked at Erwin with his missing arm, the visible confusion on his face as Levi stared. Levi took this in, contemplated the complexities of time and space, how improbable this all really was, and moved.

* 

One of the first things Levi remembered afterwards was how funny it was that Erwin died a week before the end of the war, and Levi died a week after, which wasn’t actually really funny and probably didn’t mean anything either.

Erwin died because he was principled, almost to a fault. Levi died because he was fucking stupid.  

* 

The rest of May came and went, Levi formed a bit more of his thesis and then deleted all of it in a panic of existential crisis that had nothing to do with academics or looming deadlines.

The department secretary sent him reminders that increased in number as the month dragged on: _A bit of housekeeping – can you forward me a copy of your PHRP certification?, I know it’s been awhile since you took it but I still need that certification!, Just wanted to follow up – when you get a chance please email me your PHRP certification_ , and _P.S. John asked if you were still interested in graduating (he was joking, I am about 89% sure_ ).

In response to that last one, Levi took the day off, wandered aimlessly amongst all the recently freed students. Ate his weight in cart food, which he mostly did not regret when crowded onto public transportation.

It was almost midnight when he went back to his apartment to find what appeared to be the entirety of the city’s finest crowded in the lobby. He thought about muscling his way past the police at the stairs, but he didn't have the ability to do so. The motions of how to fight were still in his mind - how to turn your body into punches, how to use your opponents' momentum to your own advantage - but his body couldn't quite keep up.   

There was no one here to keep him out of jail. Levi could head to his office, maybe make up some hours, but he thought about the subway system, how much it cost and how little money he had, how his last bit of change was blown on a hot dog that mostly tasted of stale cart water. How there was that news story a few weeks ago, about the serial masturbator that had a fetish for mostly empty subway cars. How unsanitary that was – how unsanitary the _entire_ city was. How once upon a time, he had something worth focusing on.

Levi slumped against the walls of the lobby, just enough so that he didn’t actually touch the ground. They let him back in, eventually. Tenacity was a virtue.

* 

Another month passed quickly. Levi ignored some more emails, fended off his colleagues’ questions and teasing regarding the relationship between he and the new hire. Whatever had been the cause of the police meet-up had left a foot-sized hole in the middle of his hallway that Levi sometimes forgot about when it got particularly late and deadlines started creeping close.

Levi took out the trash around 3am, navigated around the hole successfully to the trash chute, and promptly forgot about it on his way back. The floor was carpeted, so his hands didn’t scrape when catching himself, but the sharp pain in his ankle did not seem to be anything positive.

He wiggled his foot out, felt the pain again, and found himself

 

on the back of a horse galloping across an open field. The confusion was nothing in comparison to the realization when saw where he was – but it lasted a second, only a second, just enough time for those jaws to close shut, before he

 

woke up the next morning, his twisted ankle wrapped and propped up on a couch cushion. The flash of gold that disappeared between dirty teeth, the hopelessness of an army, his own sudden inability to process anything were still vivid in his mind, but they’d always been.

Delusions and dreams never helped anybody. Levi called in sick to work, went out, bought five pounds of coffee.

*

But it happened again three days later, when Levi was too awake to pretend otherwise. He cut into a pile of greens and caught his finger on the way back up, bled over his plate of iceberg lettuce. Closed his eyes in annoyance, and when he opened them again,

 

he was back on his horse but behind the gate, this time. Next to him, Hanji sat on hers, solemnly, like this mission would mean something. Levi had seen this too many times for it to still feel wrong, so the uneasiness in his stomach was completely unidentifiable.

“Are you alright, Levi?” 

Levi hadn’t realized until now that he had forgotten what Erwin sounded like. That every conversation he ran through his head while sitting in front of his computer was a pathetic imitation of what that voice actually was. That blond hair, blue eyes, and a missing arm didn’t a person make. 

“Levi?”

There was almost something sad about losing his grip on reality _now_ ; there wasn’t much to lose and he wasn’t sure what there was to gain, but Erwin was still looking at him with concern, an emotion that had almost been permanently etched onto his face towards the end.

“I’m fine,” Levi rasped.

But Erwin kept looking at him, the way he sometimes looked at Jaegar, the way he used to look at Levi’s old squad, only when he thought no one else was watching. Something almost apologetic, if he was allowed that. Levi hated it. “I’m sorry I can’t leave you behind,” Erwin finally said.

“Don’t be stupid,” Levi told him. “You’re not cutting down any titans with that arm.”

“No,” Erwin agreed.

*

This time, Levi had the chance to move. Still remembered clearly what direction to go, when to roll into the spin. He had the ability too.

Even then, he didn’t make it in time – _knew_ he wouldn’t make it in time – as the screams pierced his ears for the second time in three days, the blood

  

dripped from his finger, still. Levi threw the entire plate away.

* 

“Do we get free counseling over at psychological services?”

“Sorry?” Hanji took her headphones off, looked away from her computer. Her office was a complete mess, notes scribbled on bits and scraps of paper tucked into every corner imaginable. Levi tugged on one, mentally despaired as it cracked apart like an artifact.

“Psychological services. Free?”

“Definitely not for me at least. I think they only take undergrads. Why?”

“Nothing,” Levi said. “Let me bounce my thesis off you.”

“That exists?” Hanji slapped her hands to her cheeks in mock surprise, laughed at the look on Levi’s face. “I’m running subjects, let me finish this up.”

“Fine.”

“Hey,” Hanji called, just as Levi was making his way out the door. “Are you alright? You seem kind of…off.”

 _Are you alright?_ The tightening in his chest was probably cause for concern. He was too young to die from a heart attack; the university insurance didn’t cover funeral expenses. Maybe he could delay the artery blockage until he found a convenient house fire. “Program’s waiting for your confirmation,” he pointed out.

“Shit,” Hanji muttered, and spun back, jabbing at her keyboard. Levi, ever an opportunist, slipped out quickly.

*

Hanji didn’t remember. Levi tested her, briefly entertained the notion that she was only pretending not to know. When that proved false, he considered her ability to compartmentalize, but Hanji was more likely to suppress than repress, and she had no reason to lie.

Erwin – Erwin knew nothing. It was clearer every day.

*

The hole in the hallway still hadn’t been fixed, even though it was now mid-July. Levi had met the landlord only once, when the lease was signed, and the man felt enough like Dot Pixis that Levi vowed never to call him, even if the entire building collapsed.

It wasn’t as if the hole was special in some way – Levi had stuck his foot back in in a moment of weakness, only to get weird glances from the girl across the hall who reminded him of no one, and a rip in his pants where it caught against the broken wood. 

Levi went out and bought a sewing kit and went to work repairing the tear, his stitches irritatingly messy and uneven, but enough to hold fabric together. In his concentration, the sharp sting of the needle only registered after it pierced through skin; he reached for a tissue,

 

found the edge of Erwin’s empty sleeve instead.

Erwin glanced down. “Must you remind me?” The smile was mostly self-deprecating, but Erwin’s brand of self-pity was never really pity, instead a self-awareness that bordered on unhealthy.

It didn’t take long for Levi to place where they were. Erwin’s official military dress uniform pulled snugly across his chest; the clatter of carriage wheels died down as they moved from stone streets to dirt-paved roads.

Levi tapped his foot against Erwin’s ankle, bare where the pants had ridden up. "That should be longer.” He wasn’t good at pretending to be casual, but Erwin seemed to distracted to notice, and Levi didn’t know what else to say.

Erwin looked up from the documents he was holding. "Perhaps I buckled my pants too high."

Levi snorted, turned away. "You wouldn't have enough room for your dick."

"Ah," Erwin paused. "Thank you, I suppose."

Outside, Nile’s carriage pulled past, flanked by members of the Military Police on horses, guns strapped to their backs. The forced pretentiousness was pathetic.

"We should get you that," Levi offered.

Erwin’s face remained blank. "Mike wouldn't find much interest in guard detail. Too little risk."

Levi almost smiled. "You could have had anything." _Else_ , he didn’t say.

"But I would only order it to its death. 

"Shut up."

Erwin smiled at him, almost fondly. “You did well tonight. I honestly did not expect Parliament to approve another expedition.”

Levi’s eyes flew to the papers in Erwin’s hand. “Those are the plans,” he said flatly.

“Yes.” If Erwin detected the change of tone in Levi’s voice, he chose not to address it. “A week from now. Our men should have had enough rest.”

“Give it another week.” Levi stared down at the floor of the carriage, leaned forward to position his head between his knees to keep the nausea at bay. If he remembered correctly, Hanji had left a bottle of children’s Benadryl at his apartment, but that wouldn’t help now, if it could at all.

“Why?”

Levi was the one who usually asked the questions that Erwin would avoid. This discomfort was entirely new.“You’re going to die,” Levi said.

“Of course.”

Levi’s head snapped up, searched Erwin’s eyes for an answer to a question he couldn’t even form. “Wha – “

“Every expedition holds the potential for death for each of us. I can hardly postpone missions for fear of my own.”

“That’s not – “ Levi started, but he couldn’t manage to work up any frustration, not that Erwin wasn’t infuriating all the same. The carriage pulled up to the front of the Scouting Legion headquarters.

“You’ll be joining your squad then?” It sounded more like an instruction than a question, even though Erwin’s voice held an inflection at the end. “Make sure they’re ready.”

“Erwin – “

“That’s an order, Levi.” Erwin got out of the carriage, and turned back, slightly. “I do thank you for your concern.”

“…yes, Erwin.”

Levi didn’t hang around to see inevitable end. Three days before the expedition, he stepped on a nail that had been left on the floor, probably by Kirschtein or Springer, the pain far worse

 

than the needle still in his finger.

*

Commander Erwin Smith had an old scar that ran across his abdomen. Levi ever only saw it twice, once when Erwin wasn’t conscious to answer any probing questions, the other when he had accumulated so many more that one was completely insignificant.

It was almost sad how he could map out exactly its had been placement, length, width, across Erwin’s torso. Indicated its depth by how many strokes of his tongue swept across the skin.

Erwin didn’t ask any questions about his weird obsession with a patch of skin that clearly wasn’t sensitive in any way. It was unsettling, but he appreciated it nonetheless.

*

Levi learned more things about this Erwin in one month than he did about Commander Erwin in one year – that he changed to psychology after he lost his arm in an accident, because neuroscience was still neuroscience, even if he wasn’t personally performing surgeries. That his idea of spring-cleaning consisted of lazily dusting whatever was in reach, without any proper detergents or fancy mops. That no one had ever grabbed him in the middle of a hallway before, and kissed him like their life depended on it.

“Dating you probably wasn’t the right response,” Erwin admitted. “Especially since I’d just been shown the workplace harassment video by HR. But you seemed really…” he trailed off, didn’t quite frown but the expression on his face was so familiar that it gave Levi vertigo. “…sad?”

“Sad,” Levi echoed. He kicked at a dust bunny and watched as it skittered across the hardwood floor. “Do you usually sleep with everyone you find sad? What is wrong with you?”

“No, just you.” Erwin grinned at him.

“Was that supposed to be romantic?” This was all wrong. The smile on Erwin’s face fell, and he reached out for Levi – left hand instinctively, Levi suppressed a shudder – and brushed it against Levi’s arm like he wasn’t sure if it was okay.

“I didn’t mean to be so flippant. You interested me; I thought it’d be worth pursuing.”

That was better. Levi allowed himself to lean into Erwin’s hand, still held there by his side. “You shouldn’t be so idealistic. It’s bad for survival.”

Erwin chuckled. “I’m not exactly the fittest.”

Levi flinched, stepped back against the stove, and put out a hand for balance. Erwin’s shout of warning registered at the same the intense heat did, the boiling kettle burning his hand, which now

  

held a cup of coffee, black. His leg throbbed, but his feet knew where to go; around the corner, down the stairs, past the wooden framed window with the scuff mark he had to remove with a walnut.

The door was ajar, but that wasn't surprising. This time, Erwin had only recently lost his arm, was still prone to automatically reaching out with his right limb for a handle he couldn’t grasp.

"Levi," Erwin greeted him, but ignored the coffee. He only took it black, but didn't actually like it that way. "How’s the new squad coming along?"

It was less and less disorienting each time. Levi moved without much thought, walked around the room with a trash can, brushed in used tissues and scraps of paper, opened the window and tied back the curtains. "Your room is gross."

Erwin smiled, glanced down at the report in front of him and back up. "Bad news then?"

"Hopefully not." Levi reached for a mug that was inexplicably placed atop a cabinet. Erwin chuckled behind him, but he persisted. In another world, he could probably make himself hate Erwin. "The only order I gave was to clean the house."

"Ah, so you have set them up to fail," Erwin rubbed his temple. "There are few that meet your expectations, if any."

"You don't." Cup procured, Levi moved over to Erwin’s desk, took the documents from him. "Take a nap. These will still be here when you wake up."

Erwin smiled. "Perhaps, but my position might not be. I’m not being paid to rest."

"You are barely being paid at all. They can't fire you." Levi guided Erwin out of his chair and to the couch, against attempted but not very sincere protests. "At least rest your eyes. I’ll read the reports out loud, and if you agree just sign off on them."

"You vastly overestimate my worth, but I think I can be persuaded to your way of thinking."

"Good." Levi pushed Erwin down so he took up most of the couch, and then sat by Erwin’s head, his knees to his chest and a pile of documents between them. "Report number one: Sasha Braus. Observations, nothing we haven't heard already. A watered down version of Springer's."

"That’s fine." Erwin started to open his eyes, but Levi slapped a hand over them.

"Rest. Here’s the bottom of the page. Here’s your pen. I’ll put your seal on later."

"Report number two: Hanji Zoë. Subject: Request for Cordoned Off Area for the Training of Eren Jaeger. Dear Commander Erwin, It is with much concern that I write regarding what I believe to be the next necessary step in our efforts to regain the upper hand in the war for freedom. Under the _Military Order on the Capture, Detention, and Experimentation of Titans in the War for Humanity_ , experimentation is defined as anything that is of aid to the war efforts, which is why I strongly appeal for the allocation of previously protected areas…” Levi kept reading, kept a hand on Erwin’s shoulder to ensure he didn’t fall asleep. 

"Granted."

"Here’s the bottom."

"Report number three: Hanji Zoë. Subject: Subject: Request for Cordoned Off Area – did she write this request twice?"

"I’m sorry?" Erwin tried to open his eyes again.

"Rest," Levi hissed, shoved a couch cushion against Erwin’s face. "It’s the same report. Maybe shit for brains decided to practice her calligraphy. Just sign it again, your handwriting was crap on the other one."

*

The ink on the document was still wet. It wasn’t too long of a ride to Garrison Headquarters; Levi had plenty of thoughts to accompany him there, mostly questions regarding what the fuck was going on, how nothing really seemed to make sense, how it seemed as if his selfishness had managed to weave itself into the fabric of time and space. How he mostly didn’t care why, anymore. 

“Captain Levi!”

Levi didn’t recognize the soldier that greeted him at the entrance, but the Garrison logo was on his jacket and he looked an adequate combination of nervous and scared for Levi to be interested in what he had to say.

“Did someone alert you, Captain?”

“Alert me?”

“The Central Branch of the Military Police showed up two days ago, and made us give them access to Pastor Nick. Commander Pixis has been in the inner city, and they told us that we weren’t allowed to contact – “

“Where are they?”

“This way,” the soldier gestured. Another came forth to take Levi’s horse, but Levi waved him off.

“Just stay here with him. I should be out soon.”

Levi didn’t feel much in particular when they arrived at the door. The stairs Hanji would have run down were quite a bit behind him, though neither she nor Moblit were here now; Levi made sure of that.

He knocked, and the muffled noises that had been coming from behind the door cut short. The door was opened just enough for a man to slide out, and Levi tilted his head up. “Pastor Nick is under our custody. I wasn’t aware your power had expanded to include our prisoners without official authorization.”

Djel Sanes looked down at him, scowled. "Who the fuck are you?"

The Garrison soldier beside Levi spoke up. "This is Captain Levi of the Scouting Legion, sir."

“I’ve heard of you. Smith’s mutt.”

“I could be a spineless rat.” Levi took a step forward just as Sanes bristled, as he raised a fist as if he was going to throw a punch. “Is there any relation between your bruised knuckles and the injuries I suspect I’ll see on his face?” He pulled an envelope out of his jacket pocket. "I have an order from Commander Erwin Smith.”

Levi waited until Sanes had opened the envelope and scanned its contents to speak. “While I know you work separately from the usual structure, I’ve been ordered to bring Pastor Nick back with me by my superior officer. If you have any suspicions, there’s enough room on the streets for three horses. Or four.” He looked pointedly at the closed door.

Sanes lowered his fist, but the anger was visible. He pushed past Levi, and the door opened again, the other interrogator leaving with a scowl.

“We’ll send you the medical bill.” Levi waited until they left, nodded at the Garrison officer who followed them out. Levi glanced down at Pastor Nick; he had gotten there in time to preserve most of his fingernails. “We’re not going to be able to get you justice. Just be grateful you’re not dead like my soldiers.” Levi didn’t give him a chance to reply. “Come on, before anyone decides to double check with Erwin to confirm the order.”

* 

Nothing changed. Hanji still showed up, but two weeks later instead, sat down in that same chair. Leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, hands folded beneath her chin. “Pastor Nick is dead.”

Levi picked up his teacup.

“Someone broke into the Scouting Legion headquarters. He had even more injuries than when you brought him there, Levi.”

“You think they went to finish the job,” Levi said.

Hanji looked at him. “Who else? I’m positive they killed him. I can’t prove it, but they went out of their way to torture him once. Garrison HQ is located pretty far from their usual stomping grounds.”

Around the table, his new squad was still shocked. The rest of the conversation was mockingly identical to the original.

“…that’s what Erwin would have decided as well,” Levi said again, put down his cup. Jaeger, in his haste to clear the table, stepped on Levi’s foot, and Levi, hearing only half of Jaeger’s apology,

  

spoke into the microphone positioned to his left. “We’re going to get started with the fMRI now. Ready?”

*

Winter rolled around and Levi’s mother sent down a box of winter clothes, all too small and suspiciously childish. Levi suspected it was the result of her last conversation with Erwin, and would have asked accusingly, if they had not been arguing.

Hanji divided the box into four: donation, trash, possible donation if they ignored all sense of taste, and keep, which wasn’t a category agreed upon between the two of them.

“What are you two even arguing about?”

Levi picked up a particularly disastrous Christmas sweater, and held it up in front of his face. It had an overwhelming scent of mothballs, and what might have been oregano. “I don’t know.”

“I – you know what? I can actually believe that. Does he know?”

Levi tossed the sweater into the possible donation pile. Hanji moved it into keep. “Probably not.”

Hanji started un-balling socks, mismatching them and rolling them back up. “I believe that less. If you’re right, then I have to assume the argument was your fault.”

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m going to take these. The kids I’m working with are reading Harry Potter at school. They’ll think it’s cute.” She tossed one of them at Levi’s head. “Don’t change the topic.”

“You’re not one of the piles.”

“It’s a donation. Ask the business office if you can write it off on your taxes.”

The next sweater had Rudolph on it, with a sparkly pom-pom for a nose. Levi ignored the way Hanji’s eyes lit up, and shoved it into the trash pile.

“No, no, that’s so cute! I bet I could replicate it in a bigger size for you – “

“I don’t want him to hate me.” Erwin, here, was overly indulgent, but his intuition was one of the few things that hadn’t changed. As he had pointed out before leaving Levi’s apartment, the way Levi moaned his name didn’t really sound like Levi was referring to him.

Hanji’s hand stopped over the sweater for a few seconds, and then tugged it out, slowly. “Take it from me,” she said. “It’s a lot harder to hate you than you would expect. Just stop being an asshole.”

“You have fixed all of my problems. Thanks.”

* 

The trip down to the dumpster out back was a lot easier than expected, mostly because Hanji had only allowed one hole-ridden snowsuit to be tossed. He lifted the heavy metal lid and threw it in, let go, and realized belatedly what was going to happen just before it did.

The metal lid came down on his other hand,

 

which had just set off a sound grenade.

There was a split second of pure silence as the Female Titan’s footsteps fell behind. The momentary respite gave him a chance to flex his fingers in response to the anticipated pain.

Jaeger broke the silence first, though there really was no difference once his entire squad got over their initial shock and dissolved back into organized chaos.

“Don’t you trust us?” Petra pleaded.

“Captain Levi!"

Jaeger was a child that never really had a chance. Erwin was…Erwin.

“We can protect you, but we can’t save you. Save yourself, Jaeger." 

Horrible, horrible, horrible. But that didn’t mask the swell of relief that welled up, threatened to overflow, when Jaeger took his words to heart, bit down on his hand.

The lightening bolt struck, illuminated the shock and fear on the rest of his squad’s faces. Levi forced down his emotions, which wasn’t so hard to do anymore and grabbed the handles of his blades. “This ends here,” he shouted. “Retrieve the person in the Female Titan at all costs!”

His squad was trained well. “Yes, Captain!”

The bolt of lightening would have been visible from where Erwin was waiting. In his peripheral vision, he saw Erd gesture for a simultaneous attack on Leonhardt’s joints. Jaeger was severely undermatched, still wasn’t all that experienced with his Titan form, didn’t have the pure anger and sadness to drive him this time.

One misfire and Levi wouldn’t be able to change anything. He made a cutting motion with his hand, signaled for them to hold until there was an opening. Levi considered firing his gear, but it meant nothing if he didn’t live to make sure Erwin did as well.

Up ahead, the trees rustled; Levi’s head snapped up to meet Mike’s eyes, saw him shout _what happened_ as his hands tightened on his blades.

Levi didn’t have the chance to shout _don’t_ – probably wouldn’t have been heard anyway – as Mike fired his grappling hooks into Leonhardt’s leg, as Leonhardt whipped it around, completely unhindered by Jaeger’s attacks, smashed him into the tree on which Levi stood.

The impact knocked Levi off his feet, the shock keeping him from reacting, kept him from changing his order to _kill_ , as he crashed into the ground below, his blood

 

vessels underneath the skin on his fingers swelling, still trapped beneath the metal lid. Levi grabbed it, slammed the lid onto his hand again, and again, and again.

The pain shot straight to his heart, but his surroundings didn’t change.

* 

Make-up sex probably wasn’t supposed to be so angry, but Erwin didn’t ask any questions. Instead, murmured something against Levi’s neck that he didn’t quite catch, but the way he said it sent a warm jolt right to the pit of his stomach where it stayed, festering. Nevertheless, Levi arched, panted Erwin’s name, felt only a brief flash of guilt as he dug his nails into Erwin’s back, created scars of his own.

* 

There was a book on Erwin’s nightstand, edges faded yellow.

“This has been around since Nixon.”

Erwin looked mildly amused. “I wasn’t alive for Nixon. And unless I have severely misjudged your age, neither were you.”

“Bush 41.”

Erwin chuckled, reached for a pair of pants and tugged them on. “Does dinner sound good?”

Levi nodded, then straightened. Stared down at his bandaged hand that was curled into a loose fist, and tried to find the right words. He was never a particularly eloquent person, didn’t really know how to comfort people until it was too late. “I – " 

“It’s okay,” Erwin told him. “I only want from you what you’re willing to give.”

Levi had no doubt about how genuine Erwin was being, which was the entire problem. It was getting hard to breathe.

Erwin didn’t wait for a response, but Levi wished he had, even if he couldn’t come up with one. “I should have something edible out in half an hour or so. I bought a new bottle of that soap you like, if you want to take a shower first.”

“Sounds good,” Levi managed.

* 

They ate mostly in silence, though Erwin seemed to find it comfortable, smiled at Levi every once in a while and occasionally passed things he liked to Levi’s plate.

Levi didn’t say anything; Erwin was a half-decent cook, probably wasn’t opening his own restaurant any time soon, but there was no need to start testing stool samples for evidence of salmonella. The onions were not quite yet caramelized, but admittedly, Levi’s mind wandered far more than it once did. 

Erwin stood up with his plate, and Levi looked up. “I’ll get it. You made dinner.”

The smile on Erwin’s face was almost blinding. Levi looked back down, shoved another spoonful into his mouth.

*

Spring came, and with it, spring-cleaning. Levi not only instituted a schedule for his apartment and his office, but Hanji’s apartment as well. He thought about Erwin’s apartment, how the bed sheets were never quite tucked in properly, how there was a closet that seemed to be filled with only packing peanuts. How he wasn't sure what he wanted, anymore.

_are you going to clean your apar_

“He gets asked?” Hanji stared over Levi’s shoulder, adjusted her glasses, and frowned. “You just showed up at my apartment with the entire cleaning aisle.”

Levi shoved his phone back into his pocket. “Your apartment is far more of a tragedy,” he muttered. He turned away, but Hanji was still frowning at him, and he really didn’t want to try to reconcile his emotions now.

“If you don’t want me to clean your apartment, I won’t.”

Hanji waved him off, face softening. “No, no, this is the only time all year it’s presentable, and it lasts for about a week.”

Levi didn’t say anything in response, traced the edge of his cell phone in his pocket and stopped thinking.

*

He had dinner alone that night. Erwin was stuck in the lab and Levi wasn’t particularly enthusiastic in his offer to accompany him, something Erwin picked up on only two insistences in.

Unlike Erwin, Levi was an entirely terrible cook, only knew the very basics of the kitchen – that it was not okay to microwave eggs, that a little bit of food coloring went a long way. That chicken was not beef and did not have different ways of being cooked. But knowledge did not necessarily translate into ability, and Levi, undeniably, never really tried. 

His pasta was maybe a bit overdone, and his water was definitely turned up too high, but Hanji had once gotten him a colander once as a joke, and he was determined to do something right.

In retrospect, leaning over a pot of boiling water was not a good idea, but it fit with the general direction of his life.

The water bubbled, overflowed; the pain wasn’t really that bad, and he pulled back

 

just in time to hear Jaeger ask, “what is that experiment you’re talking about?”

After what was possibly a collective feeling of dread, Levi and his squad all pushed their chairs back, moved wordlessly towards the door and ignored Jaeger’s visible confusion. Out in the hallway, Petra asked him what he thought of dinner, suggested he get some rest, bid him goodnight.

“Do you want to know what I thought of dinner?” Auruo pointed to himself, probably under the assumption he was out of earshot.

“No one cares,” Erd told him, completely aware Levi could still hear, and Petra giggled.

*

His gas was low; there were no plans to do any real fighting, and consequently, no refills were brought. Erwin had never thought of Jeager to be any real danger, and Hanji was so excited she hadn’t thought twice. Levi’s blades weren’t sharp either, but that didn’t matter – a blunt blade could still render someone unconscious, which was his main concern.

Sawney and Bean were tugging on their restraints, making groaning noises and being generally repulsive. He almost felt bad for them at one point, when Hanji explained they were most likely human, but that was difficult to maintain, especially since he couldn’t keep blue eyes disappearing behind bloody teeth out of his mind.

So, Levi slipped behind a wall, waited.

* 

It wasn’t a long wait. Leonhardt showed up with a hood over her head, stolen gear that hung just slightly wrongly off her body. Levi attacked.

Leonhardt had been in the top ten of her class, justifiably. Her instinct was to run, but Sawney and Bean had noticed the commotion, lunged at both of them with their mouths wide open. Leonhardt bit down on her hand; Levi dodged.

“Levi? What’s going on?” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hanji and Jaeger come out of the building. Jaeger looked worse for wear, movements groggy.

“Hanji, move!”

Hanji shoved Jaeger behind her, reached for blades she didn’t have.

Leonhardt was fast, but Levi was pretty damn fast too, which was why he made it just in time to catch Hanji’s body as she fell, after the Female Titan kicked her out of the way, grabbed Jeager.

Hanji’s dead weight threw him into the building wall, slamming against stone,

 

his head pounding, thanks to the house band.

*

There was a bar halfway between Levi and Hanji’s apartments that served an IPA that didn’t completely taste like piss. The lighting was dim and a cable news channel played on the TVs above, which probably explained the lack of customers, even on a Friday night. Hanji spent ten minutes perusing the menu, and finally decided on the same thing she got every time.

“And a nacho platter, please.”

Levi waited until the waiter had wandered off. “You do realize that shit is stale, right?” But he regretted it almost immediately. Hanji was in front of him, still alive, still able to make questionable decisions.

“The salsa is nice though.”

The band played some song that Levi didn’t recognize, the mics turned up a bit too high and the drummer far too enthusiastic. The lead guitarist was blond haired too, but Levi wasn’t close enough to see the color of his eyes. Hanji perked up, looked over his shoulder, like she had spotted somebody.

“You didn’t tell me he was coming!” She waved, shifted her chair over.

Levi shrugged.

Hanji glanced at him. “Trouble in paradise again?” She leaned down, whispered rapidly. “That whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ thing in relationships is really cliché, but it’s really just you though, isn’t it?”

“It’s me.” Levi stood up as Erwin approached, leaned into his kiss because Erwin was still tall, still blue eyed and blond. “You’re late.”

“Traffic, sorry.”

Erwin explained that he was driving when the waiter came back, ordered a Coke, and offered Levi and Hanji rides home.

“I’m fine, my apartment’s closer to here.” Hanji said, nudged Levi under the table with her foot. Levi ignored her.

“You’ve got an early morning tomorrow.”

Erwin nodded, but it was a hesitant nod. He glanced at Hanji, but she only shrugged, ducked behind her beer and bit into a chip that had no crunch. He looked back at Levi. “Could we…talk?”

Levi’s head still hurt, still echoed with Jaeger’s shout of _Squad Leader Hanji!_ , still couldn’t forget how Hanji never got a chance to say anything at all. “Do we have to do this now?" 

Hanji pointed in a random direction. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

“You’ll get a disease. They’re filthy,” Levi said flatly. 

“When do you want to do this? You never want to talk – every time we’re together all you want to do is have sex – “

“Wow, I do not want to be here for this.”

“Then go get yourself another drink.”

“ – if you would tell me what was wrong – if it’s something I did – “

“I know I said I’d walk home but I’d like to walk there in a relatively straight line.”

“Then go get a soda.”

“ – if there’s – have mine.” Erwin pushed his untouched glass towards Hanji, stood up. “You don’t need to go anywhere. If you feel anything for me at all,” Levi’s chest tightened, “you know where to find me.” He tossed a few bills into the middle of the table, left.

Levi exhaled, ignored the probing looks of the other curious bar patrons.

Hanji glanced around with a forced casualness. “Somehow, I want to be away from this table even more now.”

Levi started laughing.

*

The lights in Levi’s apartment were off, but he didn’t want to turn them on. Erwin had left his sweatshirt behind the last time he was here, and it still sat on the kitchen table, neatly folded. His inebriated state was not at all conducive to navigating in the dark, and everything seemed all at once foreign and familiar.

He made it to his bedroom eventually, a couple of wrong turns here and there that were mildly useful; the accidental stop by the bathroom gave him a chance to puke up the contents of his stomach, give his face a quick scrub. 

The bed smelled like Erwin, some sort of cologne that Levi never wanted to identify, at times made him sick to his stomach. He stripped off the sheets, the pillowcases, dumped them all into what he thought was the laundry basket but turned out to be the trashcan. It was just as well.

Levi grabbed a bunch of new sheets from the closet, couldn’t really figure out how to put the fitted sheet on his bed, kept grabbing the wrong corners. His head was pounding, so he gave up.

He dumped the sheet on the floor instead, curled up into a ball.

*

Levi handed in his request for a leave of absence the next day.

Hanji didn’t say anything for a few minutes after he told her the news. “Let’s go get a cup of coffee.”

The café was small enough to be intimate, but crappy enough that it was mostly empty. Hanji stirred her coffee with the fork the waitress brought. “Are you going to say anything?”

Levi shrugged. “I got tired of MATLAB.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Hanji said. “Someone needs to slap some sense to you, and he – “ she paused awkwardly, but Levi didn’t react, and so she plowed on, “was too good to you.” She stopped again, took a sip of her coffee and grimaced. “I don’t know why he stuck around for so long." 

Levi shrugged again. “Neither do I.”

*

The little girl wasn’t going to make it back across the street in time. Levi moved instinctively with a lack of elegance and nowhere near an admirable speed, but he felt her back beneath his hands, heard her cry as she hit the ground.

Hanji got to scream this time, not that it was of any help.

The Subaru caught his leg,

 

perched precariously atop the handle of Erwin’s chair.

“Levi, what are you doing.”

It took Levi a few seconds to figure what he was actually doing, but it quickly became obvious. “The top of the frame is filthy.” He started dusting, mostly for show. Erwin was still standing by the door wearing a more formal jacket, a clear sign he had just left an audience with someone higher up.

“How did it go?”

Erwin sighed, walked over to his chair and tried to sit. Levi shoved him in the direction of the couch.

“Did you not see that I was just dusting over here?”

“It’s not going well. There was never meant to be this many people within such a small space; the lands within Rose and Sina do not have the agricultural capacity we need to feed everyone. I am doubtful they will approve of another expedition, especially due to the poor timing of the last.”

Levi hopped down. “Just as well. Our soldiers need their rest. So do you.”

Erwin offered him a tired smile. “At this rate, we might have new soldiers by the time we head out again.”

Levi forced himself to appear indifferent. “Shadis has another group?" 

“Yes, the 104th, if I remember correctly." 

Levi nodded. “I’ll go get us something to eat. Stay.”

*

Shadis seemed surprised to see him, but the reason turned out to be less complicated than Levi would’ve thought. “You’ve never come to see me alone.” Levi recognized that he could’ve phrased it a different way, could’ve said, _you’re only here when Erwin is_ , which wouldn’t have been a lie.

“I need to speak with a few of the trainees.”

Shadis raised an eyebrow. “A bit early for recruitment.”

“I have my reasons.”

“Is Erwin privy to these reasons?”

“Yes,” Levi said, and he didn’t look away, didn’t try to avoid eye contact.

Shadis stared at him for a while, as if he were trying to force Levi to trip up. Levi kept his mouth shut, stared back.

“Fine. Let me have the names.”

*

Shadis left for only a few minutes, but it felt like the passing of an entire year. He came back with Annie Leonhardt, Reiner Braun, Bertholdt Fubar; introduced Levi.

Levi quickly realized his plan went no further than this – he couldn’t tie them up or gag them without arousing suspicion; wasn’t fast enough anyway, to somehow get all three at once. They stared; Leonhardt looked increasingly apprehensive.

“I need you three to come with me.”

“Why?” Fubar was sweating, and it hit Levi that he wasn’t even wearing his gear.

“I have an offer.”

Braun and Fubar were not good actors, at least not yet. Braun's hand was starting to drift towards his mouth.

“What’s going on?” Shadis looked between them.

“He knows,” Leonhardt said suddenly, moved first. But Shadis wasn’t Hanji, and Leonhardt was still in her human form; his surprise at being attacked didn’t stop him from getting her into a headlock, which was completely the wrong thing to do.

Levi wasn’t sure where the blast of heat came from – could’ve been the lightning or the Colossal Titan, but it was enough to knock him back,

 

right into Hanji. “Will you stop trying to get out of bed? You’re lucky it’s just a broken toe.”

“Sorry,” Levi muttered, reached up to wipe at his forehead with the back of his sleeve.

Hanji gaped at him. “Are you okay? Did you just – “

Levi glanced at his sleeve, at the sweat marks on it, and couldn’t even work up the energy to grimace. “It’s fine. I’ll just get a new shirt.”

“I was gonna ask,” Hanji said, “is that a new thing of yours?”

Levi glanced at her.

“I noticed you’ve got perfectly fine sheets in the trash. I mean, they might be dirty, but there’s nothing on there that warrants trashing them.”

Levi didn’t say anything, but came to a decision.

*

May rolled back around. One of Hanji’s papers was accepted to _Developmental Psychology_ , and she decided to throw an impromptu party at the lab that Levi was allowed to miss only under the case of death.

“Hold that elevator!” Levi was charged with bringing a cake, a monstrosity Hanji picked out, taller than Levi when held at chest level, and shaped in a way that made it impossible to fit into a normal cake box.

“Thanks,” Levi said.

“Ah,” said the person behind the cake. The elevator doors slid close, before Levi could react. “That’s a very large cake.”

Levi shifted it lower, looked over its top. “Yeah, Hanji picked it.”

Erwin smiled at him, a bit hesitantly. Probably didn’t realize that Levi had prepped for this, because his luck this past year showed no signs of stopping. “It’s good to see you.”

“Same,” Levi shifted the cake again.

“Would you like any – “ 

“I’ve got it,” Levi said quickly.

The door opened again, and someone else got on. Levi took a deep breath, glanced Erwin’s way. “Do you have a few minutes?”

*

The lab kitchen was empty since everyone was crowded into Hanji’s office. Levi made a cup of tea, offered Erwin one.

Erwin smiled slightly awkwardly. “No thank you. I’m not really a fan of tea.”

Levi paused. There was still a slight tightening in his chest, though not as distinct, and more of embarrassment. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s no need. There’s no way you could’ve…” Erwin trailed off, fell into a silence that was all too loud.

“I meant for everything,” Levi clarified. “And the tea. I probably should’ve known that. I probably did know that.”

Erwin chuckled. “Is this where you say that you’d like to be friends?”

Levi sat down, folded his arms and looked straight at Erwin. “That’s not fair to you. I can’t be who you need me to.”

“I guess that’s where we both went wrong.” Erwin looked at him, with a small smile. His perceptiveness hadn’t changed; Levi forced himself to look past it, nodded. Stood up.

“Are you coming to Hanji’s…?”

Erwin stood up too, grabbed his jacket and put it on. “I was going to, but I think it would be better if I didn’t. Please, give this to her.” He held out a small gift bag. “She could’ve been terrible to me these past months; I appreciated her professionalism.”

“It was my fault.”

“I don’t think I ever expected my life to be so cliché.” Erwin buttoned his coat, slipped his hands into the pockets. “She is your friend, first and foremost. I do wish you the best, Levi.”

“Thanks,” Levi paused, “Aaron.”

Aaron chuckled. “That’s the first time you’ve sounded like you actually meant me.”

*

The last time happened towards the end of May. It was starting to get dangerously hot; Levi tinkered with his broken air conditioner for the better half of a sweltering afternoon and came to the conclusion that any fixes would have to be made with the AC not hanging out of his seventh story apartment window.

He probably should’ve expected what would happen, but he was glad that he didn’t, because when the corner of the AC landed on his foot, the grunt of pain he made was nothing compared to

 

the pounding in his chest. To his left, Isabel and Farlan’s horses were without their riders. The battlefield was mostly silent; the only sounds were that of his own breathing, and Erwin’s, who knelt in front of him.

It was raining, but it wasn’t the cold that caused Levi’s hand to shake – one particularly strong tremor drew a thin red line across Erwin’s neck; Erwin, to his credit, didn’t even flinch.

Levi thought about everything, how nothing ever changed, how the things that did weren’t supposed to. How Erwin’s eyes could never hide that bit of hopelessness he’d always managed to keep away, when the jaws started to close shut. How the last emotion reflected in them was always an apology. How dying with regret was the most painful thing.

Erwin was young, still hadn’t developed the creases in his forehead yet, wouldn’t, until four years later. He was still wary of Levi, still expecting betrayal. Still whole.

“You intend to kill me, don’t you, Levi?” Erwin asked.

“Yes.” Levi said, made sure to reverse the instinctive backwards grip he had on his blades. The euphoria would have been palpable, if he was capable of feeling anything anymore. “I joined the Scouting Legion to kill you, Erwin.”

 


End file.
